Operation Shower Blog

Day Four of the challenge is to write a short note of gratitude for something “negative” in your life. This one is easy for me. I eluded to it in my Alphabet. Thank you, Panic Disorder.

Let me stop you right here and let you know that I don’t want to offend anyone with this post, but I approach this subject with a little bit of irreverence. Having dealt with this for the past 16 years, I feel I’m allowed to talk about it however I want. If I want to say I have my own special kind of crazy, I can. If I couldn’t laugh…shudder…who knows how much worse this would be! Consequently, it drives me bananas when people use the phrase, “I had a panic attack” loosely. I get it, it’s just a phrase, but to anyone for whom this is a very, very real problem…yeah, that’s kind of annoying to say the least.  When you couldn’t find your keys and were almost late to work and had “a panic attack”, call someone else. When you can’t drive on the highway because you are struck with blinding fear that you will drive off the side of the overpass or you develop agoraphobia to the extent that you don’t leave your house for months or you could be the guest on a special “Inside Crazy Town” episode of Oprah, call me.

Since panic disorder came into my life there have been many things I’ve avoided. Relationships strained with my dependence on other people. Months wasted not living my life. Many tears shed and “why me?” questions asked. There has been depression and weight gain (which I lost, yay me)  and self-pity. Fear and loathing.

And gratitude. Yes, gratitude. I’m much more compassionate to people with psychological disorders. I’m more compassionate toward myself, too. I’m so much stronger from overcoming aspects of this problem and have realized what I’m capable of in ways I may not have if I wasn’t a little “special.” Grateful that I stuck to my decision to work this without medication. I think medication is an amazing tool and support those that choose it – it just wasn’t for me. It should make you feel like “you” again and that’s not what happened with me. I’m grateful for prayer in ways I may not have been. I’m am beyond grateful for having a sense of humor.

I’d love to say “I’m grateful for getting rid of Panic Disorder” but that is not the case. However, I AM grateful to say that my only real issue right now is driving on the highway. I had years where I had overcome that. But, like many people with this challenge, a bad life event manifested itself in panic and I’m back on the side roads again. I have been for about 3 years. Sure it poses problems. Going somewhere new is scary because I don’t know what roads I will face. Takes me longer to get anywhere. But that’s okay because I’ve come a really, really long way.

So, to review:

Maybe choose how you use the words “panic attack” because you never know what completely “normal” seeming person may go through.

Never doubt you can get through anything. Be patient with yourself. You are stronger than you know.

Call me if you need someone who understands what you are going through.

And, when you want to find 357 ways to get around St. Louis without using a highway, you can call me then, too.

Today I cleaned house and purged a closet and organized and could not be more grateful. Do not adjust your screens. Yes, I am grateful I spent a portion of my Saturday cleaning house. Don’t get crazy now, it’s not that I truly enjoy cleaning house. Truth be told I’m not a big fan. It’s all in how you look at things though, isn’t it?

So, with iPod (grateful for that, too) set to some Mat Kearney and cleaning gear in hand, I cleaned house today with a new attitude. How lucky I am to have a roof over my head. To have all this furniture to dust. To have the money to pay that bill I opened. To have a husband that knows when the can of cleaner is on the shower floor it means, “this job’s yours, buddy” and who will skip around the house with me announcing, “we have flufffffy carrrrpet” when my work is done.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to admire my clean house while my co-skipper finishes dinner just in time to watch my beloved OU Sooners. Steak au poivre, rosemary roasted potatoes, asparagus, wine, my best boy and Sooner Football…..yeah, I’m grateful for that, too.